Little Lover

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Kabui is the only friend I have who dates ugly women. He says that they are the most loyal. He has nurtured this habit since we were young. “The ugly ones can’t cheat on you!” He argues. He talks about how they also can’t be stolen from you and he is not ashamed of defending why he prefers the not so beautiful.

When Kabui is high or when he has money, things are worse. When he is high on whiskey or these other cheap drinks that make you keep telling people “ata sijalewa!” Kabui becomes the friend you wish you never had. He literary becomes a man-hoe. Every lady around him is bae. From the youngest slimmest ones to those thick mamas who sell sukuma and nyanyas. A high Kabui is like that pretty girl who becomes a ratchet after the first round. The one who dances off beat to every tune, shouts at everyone and sees every man as a rapist. The one you look at her and she’s like “Unaangalia nini wewe? Kama unanitaka si useme!”

When Kabui is high, he will touch your woman and if you try to stop him, he pretends he hasn’t done anything. Then you stop and as soon as you look away, he touches her again. It’s like when you are in a club with friends and your phone is on low battery but only one person has a charger but he too is charging his phone. So you have to keep playing hide and seek with his charger whenever he is not looking. Kabui prefers the thighs. Or if your lady is wearing a tight or trouser, he will reach for her cleavage. Women have slapped him on several occasions. But what is a slap to a man about to pass out? Those who are used to his behavior normally just ignore his presence. It pisses him off.

I like it when Kabui has no money. His real natural taste comes to life. When he has money, he spends it on all his no so beautiful women. Ugly women know how to clear a man’s cash. At times they make you wonder sasa Kabui aliona nini hapo? When he has no money, he can’t drink. He thinks. And Kabui doesn’t drink from another man’s pocket when he has no money. “Mbona nikuumize mfuko?” he will always ask you whenever you offer to buy him a drink. He will tell you how Ksh 1000 on five beers is too much.

“Come tukunywe moja bro,” I told him once.

“Siezi kunywa moja mimi! Sema tano ivi!” he responded.

“Come tukunywe tano basi! Siezi shindwa kubuy!” I asked

“Fanya ivi Mbai, mimi ni wa kukunywa kumaliza sio kukunywa kulewa! Na juu chupa tano hazimalizi pombe kwa bar, iyo pesa si tupige nayo biz?” he emphasized.

When he has no money, Kabui is creative. He walks with beautiful women and contributes to tangible discussions. When he has no money, he can walk you through his life in Mangu, tell you how good he was especially in Mathematics and Business. His love for Physics is what he says made him settle for a career in Architecture. When Kabui has no money, he will cook rather than buy food. He will scroll through his sleek dual sim kabambe phone called bontel and pull up all the contacts of the most beautiful ladies. He will call them and ask all those who pick up the phone to visit. Some do. Others promise to visit after a day or two. Some don’t bother picking. Some other beautiful women without brains are always available. (Is it true that most beautiful women, especially models, lack a smart brain?)

“Heey beautiful!” Kabui says when she picks the phone. “Mambo? Umepotea?” He adds. He then proceeds to ask the girl where she is and if she is around, he invites her over.

“Hii Kabambe Bontel nilibuy mpya for only Ksh 1000 but unaona vile inajua kuita warembo?” he starts to brag after she confirms she’s coming over.

And then he will talk about its amazing features such as the screen size, battery life, hidden camera and metallic body. He will even emphasize how the one and only Jumia.co.ke are calling it a little lover. As he does that however, all I can think about is the gift coming. The beautiful lady on the way. Kabui has introduced me to more beautiful women in my life when he has no money than he has taught me a new English vocabulary. I actually met my previous, past and current x through him I think.

I am now even scared that if I don’t get my own little lover, next week is pay-week and Kabui will have money. That means I only have now to ensure I get my bontel and tap into his phone-book resources as much as I can. Because when Kabui gets paid next week, he will get high and go back to his ugly women. Why do men invest money in women they know will never leave their side?

I thank God Kabui never goes to China to seek loans

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